Angles all around us...

So today... here I come, dancing into work, wearing something I love (something I bought to wear on a date at some point, because I liked it that much) trying to pull myself  exteriorly up and joy filled, so that way my internal will follow. I am easy that way ;> 
Anyway, I slip into my seat at work, check in a few patients, and begin to think, dang rat it, i forgot my phone, i won't be able to call my PS today, I don't have his number.  So, because I don't have the number, I decide I will push off calling him, till tomorrow. 
Man I need caffeine.  So, I go running over to my Immunology friends office, where they have killer coffee and great tea, and get my cuppa.

My friend Vicky has been worried about me, so she gives me a hug and asks how last night went (the thing my plastic surgeon was speaking at about all the choices of reconstruction available to breast cancer chicks)
I begin to tear up and tell her how unsure I am once again, after looking at all the pictures of DIEP Flap reconstructions. (if you are interested, google that, and click Images and prepare) and she says "wait a moment girlfriend, and she shuts the door and begins to undo her pants. Ok, cool, but not sure what she is going to show me.
She shows me her scar, the one that goes from outer hip to outer hip and tells me I will be just fine, that the scar is not going to be bad, and to not Not NOT worry.
Her scar looks great, and I feel so much better.
Hers is 3 years old, and looks really smooth and not so red and angry. 
I think I can do this.
I needed to see someone up close, and real, and not just a picture of the surgery post op pictures that are scary.
Yes, I will be scared, but to heck with it, if someone begins to date me, and they are repulsed, then obviously they have not lived enough life yet, to realize that all chicks are not playboy centerfolds and sometimes life throws you a curve ball, and you have no option but to catch it and deal with it.
Yea, I sound strong and brave right now, but then again, I am not all scared up yet, so it is easier.

Bottom line, I will be alive, I will have a functioning body and I will look like a girl.
Candle light will be my new best friend. 
yea, it is a roller coaster, daily, but for today, I look cute as a button, I have a much better outlook, I am ok with having a scar like Vicky's and I don't need to go bug my Plastic Surgeon.
Life, she is good.

Dazed and Confused....

I just got back from a lecture given by my Plastic Surgeon, regarding all the different types of reconstruction options.
Sometimes, I think the more I know the harder it is to make decisions.
This is one of those times.

After hearing about the different things they can do, and how they do them and the very VERY graphic pictures of how they do them as well, I am just a bit sick to my stomach. (hey, I am being honest)
No matter what, the breast kind of looks like a breast that has been mauled by a pit bull, and put back together. :::sigh:::

I know chicks like scars, but do fellas?

The other thing is that the surgery I am having has not only the revamped pitbull breasts, but the scar, that goes from the outside of your one hip, down around the front and back out over the outside of your other hip. Yea, pretty long long scar.
The worst part of that, is even though they are taking your tissue from your lower belly (ok, lets call it what it is, it is fat) the chicks in the pictures don't seem to look any thinner or flatter bellied then they did before. That kind of sucks. I mean if you are going to take the tissue and leave the massive scar, wouldn't you think that it would be flatter? I guess Vanity is starting to peek in on me once again, saying.... Honey, what the HELL are you doing??
Deeper heavier Sigh:::

I am truly sick to my stomach, with the worry of if I made the wrong decision.
I mean I could just have the implants, no Giant smile face from hip to hip... and have larger boobs. Sure they would still look like shit, but at least my stomach would not have a massive horizontal scar.

God... I give, I can't think about this anymore.
I have to remember, that I am damn lucky I get to have anything... I could be left breastless, with no hope of reconstruction.  Or I could be in such a state that it really doesn't matter what I do, it is way too far gone to matter.  Neither of those are my lot.  I simply have to decide what kind of reconstruction I want to have.
I think I should call my PS and see if I can come in once again, and talk to him, with my clothes on this time, and a bit less nervous and ask him, to please take a look at my chart and tell me what he thinks would be best.  All things considered.
I am at a saturation point, I believe.

Yea, maybe that is what I should do.

My gut says, do the tissue.
But again, one day, I would like to be naked with a fella, and not have to worry about him running away screaming, due to my franken body, or have to pretend that he is not repulsed by what I look like.
Hahahahaha... I should never have ever had body issues before this.  Really.  I mean REALLY!!!
anything I was ever worried about, or felt ashamed of (a little fat here or there) is going to be nothing compared to what it is going to be in 6 weeks.
Hindsight 20/20 thing comes into play hard core.

Weak vanity girl speaking... This Sucks.

Chill.....

I am writing very fast, because I don't want to be late to work, but I thought I would let ya all know how the Oncologist went yesterday.
Not bad.
It did not have the relief factor I think I was looking for, but I don't know if I will get that ever.
What is a relief factor?
It is when you leave the doctors office, you feel a sense of relief because all of your fears and questions have been answered.
Yesterday... not so much.  But I think it is because I have reached a level of Dr. appointments that there are really No Answers, until they take this little beast and his friends OUT of me, then put them under the microscope and then... then there are answers.  Right now, it is like trying to tell me what the gorilla warfare fighters are doing back there in the bush, with out being able to see them.
So, I have decided to just chill.
Yup.
Chill

But I will say, he was a nice man, he checked the pain in my breast and said it is nothing to worry about, that sometimes when they do biopsies they nick a blood vessel or a nerve and that will cause pain (really? really, even 2 months after the biopsy itself, and it is new pain, not old pain)

He also said that we will discuss chemo when we know what we are dealing with.
He said that the radiation is most likely not something I will have to deal with, unless something comes up in surgery that they were not expecting
He said that the tamoxifen is something yes, I will be taking for years and years, after the surgery, but before the surgery, not such a good idea.
Why? well because it takes 4 weeks to even begin to start working in your system, and my surgery is in 6 weeks, and the tamoxifen will cause there to not be as good a read when they do the sentinel node biopsy, so lets just leave that medication until after surgery.
Ok, sure.
I told him I wanted to be super ubar massively aggressive and if the chemo would only give me a 1 or 2% better chance of non recurrence then fine, lets do the chemo, (boy was that hard to say) But he said we will talk about it later, that there may be a better chance of non recurrence by lifestyle changes, like moderate weight loss, the foods I eat, exercise  etc... Funny how when a doctor starts saying weight loss, diet and exercise it just goes into a fog of Blah blah blah.... but more on that later.

So, rather than getting all wrapped up in... Oh oh what can I do, how can I plan, what will I need, etc etc etc.... Fine, I am letting go. I will just chill.

Not much else I can do.

I came across this quote today... it seemed to fit.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Musical Interlude...

I LOVE Annie Lennox, oh so very much.
Her voice, her musicality, her style, her uniqueness, Her!!
I woke up with a song playing in my head the other morning, and said AH HA!! that is it, that is it in a nut shell.
Can I remember it now?
No, but because I have been stuck on her for years and years, and now, the last few days, have been swimming in an inundation of song after song for me, so I thought I would share a few, feel free to skip this, but I thought I would put them here for me to remember where my head is at on this day.

At Last...... (Super Quick)

I HAVE A DATE!!!
March 8th.
7:30 am.

More to come, as I learn more, but right now, I am on the phone with the surgens office getting my list of things I have to do and other appts to make... but I am super excited and wiggly with joy.
Holy Smokes..... I have a date.
At Last.!

Dances off, like Ginger Rodgers with Fred Astaire... to Edda James "At Last:"

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Question Question....

So, I have a question, and thought the best place to ask it, is here.
My appointment with the Oncologist is on Tuesday, and I need to show up there and ask lots of questions, but besides the question about the Tamoxifin and the Chemo, I am pretty much out of things to ask this man.
(oh and also, if having a cat in the house, and taking care of her, will be something I should not do, due to the litter box/little sharp nails/pounce time situation)

So, if any of you out there, can think of something, I should ask the oncologist, please let me know, so I can go in there loaded for bear, and get the most out of this Pre-Surgery appointment as possible.

Thanks in advance.

Amber the question girl
aka... Patience

Spidey senses

So always go with your intuition... I am learning that each day.
I felt like I should call the Dr. Earlier in the day, but poo popes it as impatience, not the best decision, it turns out.
Because I called with questions, they stopped working on scheduling and were waiting for me to call back.
So when I finally could not wait anymore and called at 4;30 they said they put it on hold.
Damn it
Now I have to wait till Monday to find anything out (maybe tue or wed)
Damn damn damn
I hate lesson time!
Patience
My new name (must be given all this hurry up and wait shit)
this is jacks angry cancer!!!!

Growl :::ferocious angry pissed off ROAR)

Decissions Decissions.... (Which way should I go George)

Oh My God...
The Surgeons just called and said they may have a date for my surgery by the end of the day.
Oh Happy Day !!

But, when they were talking to me, they were saying, "are you Sure you want to do this surgery, if you were to do the implant surgery, it would be significantly shorter in duration"
I got scared.
I called the hospital and asked to speak to an anesthesiologist (who will call me back)
I called the PS office, and talked to his nurse, and asked her why the shock from other Dr. offices??
She said, that it is not an uncommon surgery, and that there is nothing to worry about, but if it makes me feel better she will have the Dr. call me (I opted out of that) and we can discuss.

I hate making decision.
I want to be a little girl, with parents that weigh the outcomes of all the options, and make the best most well informed decision possible.
I really am tired... tired tired tired of making decisions that will effect my LIFE... dang it.

So, here is what is running around in my head.
If i get the flap surgery (18 hours) I will be under for that long.
If i get implant surgery (8+hours) I will only be under for that long

If i get the flap, it will be my own tissue with no shelf life, and no rupture possibility, it will grow and shrink with my body and feel more like my own body.
If i get the implant, it will be a foreign object in my body with a shelf life and rupture possibility and the chance of having the tissue grow hard around it, needing to have it removed and scraped and redone again. (another surgery)

If i get the flap, I won't have to go back in later down the road in my life to fix or adjust the tissue
If i get the implants, I will have to go back in down the road, when I am older and more frail, and have to undergo another surgery, when I may not be able or in the best of health (that happens when you get old) to do so.  Where if they fail, and I MUST have them out, I could just as easily die from the procedure as from the failure.

Ack...
In my mind right now... given the amount of reading up on things and talking to educated in the field people, I have decided to have the 18 hour surgery because i am younger now, and more healthy now, and more able to withstand a long procedure at this time.
I AM TERRIFIED!!!
I don't want to end up a vegetable because I am choosing the wrong door. (door 1, door 2, door 3)
I don't want to get a ZONK. (old Lets Make a deal reference)
But it seems to be the most obvious choice.

Ok, wait, yes, I know the best most low in risk option is to have the double mastectomy and have no breasts put back.
Hum...
vanity speaking, No Thanks. some risk is involved in living life, I will take a risk and keep my boobs
Wait, wait... who said that??
I want to live a long and happy life, watching my grand babies grow old enough to give their parents hell in their teen age years, and then some.... What did I just say?
Vanity speaking again... LOOK Lady, you are 47 years old, you may want to date again some time, and guys like boobs.. hell girls like boobs too.  You will want these going into the rest of your life, and they make your shirts look so much better.  Plus, you are a girlie girl, you will want them.  You know you will.
Wait, wait... once again, I simply just don't want to be the one to make this decision,
This being a grown up sucks..
This being single sucks...
This having to make big scary life altering decisions all alone.... SUCKS@!!@! (hey they look like boobs)

So, at this point vanity and youth are speaking (excuse me,... youth? at 47, hahahahahha, yea, that is what I thought too.. .hahahahah)
I am going to do the 18 hour surgery, and hope for the best.
I don't like the other options
and unless I read something that changes my mind, and boy am I reading.... I will stick with this.
but I must say, I really Really REALLY wish, I was just a little girl, who's very responsible parents were making this decision instead, so I could just blissfully follow along the flow of the river that was being navigated by someone Other Than ME!!!!

Lessons.
I hate them.
:::Spits, and kicks her toe in the dirt where it landed:::
Hate Um!

The Girl Who Shops For Scarves...



So, I met my son last night for dinner and afterwards, because we were close to Marshalls we popped in to look for a lamp for him. 

I of course started looking around at stuff, but found it kind of difficult.

I can't shop for pants, because, well, I don't know what size i will be soon.

I can't shop for cute little bra's and panties, because, again, not sure what size.

Dresses... not many to choose from, so I scooted from there quickly.

Coats, I can't really shop for those, because I have enough, and it is like 80 degrees outside, so nope.

Shoes... well, one can always shop for shoes, but I don't really need any right now.

Soap, I have enough.

Sigh...

what else to shop for.

Kitchen stuff? have all I need.

then I pass the scarves....

Hum.

I have already bought 2, just in case.

(if you wonder what that means, it is because I may lose my hair)

So I was looking around at them, some cute ones caught my eye.

Hang on, let me explain....

You see, when I am working the cancer clinics 2 days a week, I see all these beautiful ladies, in these horrid wigs.  They are badly made, they are out of what seems like barbie hair, and they are always askew and never sitting right..Then to watch them scratch, just makes me think.... NO, no no.. no wig. I can't be one of those women with a bad wig all sitting in a jaunty angle on my head.

So, I have been looking at cute scarves.

Last night I found 4.

Two were on super sale, and the other two, not so much.

Why am I telling you all this?? well it is what this made me come to terms with ....

Shopping sucks right now.

It is like when I was fat, and could not shop for clothes.

I had to shop for everything else.

Now, I shop for scarves....

Gosh, that hit kind of hard last night.

I am the girl who shops for scarves.

Sigh.. heavy but hopeful sigh.

But, I must say, they are cool as hell, and I love them. Two of them even have little fringe stuff at the ends, that when I tie it all up, look like pony tails.  Right on!!  Pony tails are HoT!

: )

So, I am moving along, and waiting my time... and keeping a positive attitude because that is what matters more than anything else.

Life... No one gets out of it alive. 

Period.

so why worry.

I found the most wonderful Quote today.

Our lives are not determined by what happens to us but by how we react to what happens, not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

One down, One to go....

Yesterday I met with the Plastic Surgeon, and he is a very nice man. Seemed very skilled as well.  I went to the offices web site and checked out what kind of background he had, and I was impressed.  yay....

We talked about all the options I could choose from, and all the different reasons, the option I chose, may not be used once I am in there.
Many factors come into play.
Some of them are...

If they have to do Radiation after all
If they go in, and find cancer in any of the lymph nodes they will have to give me radiation.
As of now, neither of the surgeons think I will need it. (great, I really don't want to anyway)
But if they find they need to do radiation, they will just put tissue expander's in, to hold their place, and then I will go through the radiation, and once the tissue has healed, they will go back in, and do the rebuilding then at that time.

If they go in and start to take the tissue, and they find that the blood vessels are not going to support the new view (new place in my body) they will have to do implants instead.
I really would prefer to not have implants, because they have the a shelf life, and will need to be re done at some point, and then I will have to go back in again down the road, or they have a failure rate that I would rather not have to deal with. So I would rather not have implants, but those are more acceptable than no boobs, so I will go with it.

If for some reason the tissue does not thrive, and they have to go back in, they will try to get more tissue, but if that doesn't work, they will then fix the side that is having a problem with an implant.

Sigh...
So many different reasons things may not go the way we are hoping.  These are only a few, of the more notable.

When I was talking to the surgeon he said that sadly, the amount of tissue i have in my belly won't be enough to keep me a D cup.  I have enough for one boob, but not for two.
Sigh.... I like being a D, but, if I want that size, we will have to go with implants which I don't want.
So, I will be a B cup, possibly a small C.  That is cool, cause it is better than an A cup, yes? or no cups at all... so I will be happy and smile :>  See... :)

I did ask him, since I will have to have nipples removed, if when they put them back on, if I could please have the "Swoopdy Uppdy type"?  He looked at me and blinked.
I said again, you know ... the swoopdy uppdy type, (while making the motion with my hands) he blinked again, so I switched from ambereeze to English, "You Know... the playboy centerfold type, where the nipple looks back at you, and the breasts swoop up into the nipple. 
He laughed and said. Oh, you mean the kind you can reach?
I laughed and said yes.... exactly.
He then informed me, that I won't have any sensation what so ever so reaching them may not really matter, but I let him know that "reaching" them, is more of a visual for the other person, not so much a stimulation for the reacher. He laughed again.
So, since we were talking about nipples, I asked if it was possible, since he was making new ones anyway, if he could put my barbells back in.  because that will make them my boobs. He said, sure, why not, they are mine, I can do what ever I want...
I must have squealed like a little girl.  Jumping up and down with glee, I said ... thank you thank you, oh thank you.  then asked if i could hug him.
I wonder if that is the first semi nude hug from an ecstatic girl in his office??

So, now we wait.
What was that?? wait? you mean we wait again? Really, what for this time?
Well, they have to send the plan to my insurance, and have insurance approve it, then they can contact the cancer surgeon, the hospital operating room and my ps team (this dr. and his partner dr. jewel)  and then they all have to co-ordinate their OR schedule so they can be there for about 16-18 hours.
The Doc said I should expect to be in surgery around 6 weeks from now.  The end of February, beginning of March. Depending upon when they can all get there schedules to mesh.
Wee.....

So now, we wait till next week on Tuesday when I have an appt. to see the Oncologist, and get some information from him.
I was given some great things to ask the Oncologist, from the NP at Breast Clinic yesterday.
The best was, because they are taking so long to get me into surgery, that I should ask him if they can start me on the Tamoxifen now, so it will keep the cancer from growing and invading other places (like lymph nodes)
We shall see.

More stuff later, but right now, Must get back to work.

Ya'all have a great day.

Fridays child is full of grace....and impatient

It is Friday, and I woke up at 4am with a skull crushing head ache.  What a way to start the day.
So Ruby doo and I curled on the couch and watched Top Chef and dozed.  (yes both of us)
But the great part of this, is when I finally woke up and got dressed, I looked in the mirror and felt pretty for the first time in weeks.
That alone gave me a smile and a pep to my step.
So I got dressed, tossed my glasses on and then, best part... Threw on my little red ruby slippers (thank you Tracygrace) Nothing says good mood like red shoes!

I am pretty sure it is because I finally have answers... wait, I KNOW for Sure it is because I finally have answers.. It has to be.  My face looks rested, my eyes look bright, and my heart feels light.  I may not want to deal with the road this happens to be, but, knowing what road it is, helps so much. So very much.
Could be seriously a manic swing too, who knows, but why look look a gift horse in the mouth? right?? Right!
Oh, and I am working 7-3:30 today, and that helps a lot (with the good mood, that is)

Oh and this weekend is kind of a hang out last hoo-rahh thing too. I figure while I have oodles of energy and my body is still my own, as it came from the factory, I thought it would be fun go running around. I'm having dinner with Heidi and Dante, then heading out of town, to do some wine tasting with my girls... So looking forward to it!! Then, when back in town, off to my Daughters house to hang out and spend my Monday off with her and the grand baby.  Super Duper happy.

So, y'all have a great weekend.

:::skips off to finish her work, and look at the clock... is it 3:30 yet? how about now? Maybe now?:::

Plastic Surgeon Appointment Yayyyy

Dance dance dance..
Wiggle wiggle wiggle
and happy all around.

The Dr. office just called and said I have an appt to meet with the Plastic Surgeon on Tuesday the 18th and 8am.
Oh yes yes yes
Now I will only be meeting with one of the team (it is Dr. Newman and Dr. Jewel) as Dr. Jewel just had her baby last week. But he will be meeting with me before he goes to surgery (he is coming in just for me, how cool is that?)
Once he decides if I am a good candidate for the Free Flap Reconstruction or makes another decision, then his office will set up my surgery date.  THE Surgery date (The Pillow)
Deep Heavy Deeply deep breath.... That my friends was a sigh of relief.  A Huge one.
All this waiting has been awful.  I am so glad it is nearly done.

:::skips around and around, with the very happy smile, that only I can have:::
Oh Happy Day!

Y'all have a wonderful night : >

Oncology Appt.

Baby steps dalrin.. .baby steps...
So today I got a call from the surgeons office who is putting together all the other appointments for the surgery itself, the Oncologist and the Plastic Surgeon.  She said that they are still waiting on my insurance to get back to them on the PS, but, she was able to make my Oncology appt at last.

So, I have an Oncologist appt on Tuesday January 25th at 1:00.  Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
::happy happy happy dance:::
Finally little steps forward, they feel so good.
Sort of like not being able to walk for months, and then someone hands you some shoes and says "Come on, lets go"
yayyyyyyyyyyyy

I have also talked to a few of the NP's here at Immunology and they said, that I absolutely can tell my oncologist what I want to do.  It is my body, and my peace of mind, and that when we meet, I can let him know that I would really like to take an aggressive approach to this, and because my tumor is on the boarder line of Yes you must have chemo and No you don't really have to, I can request the Yes, I need it.
Ya know, I figure that I am taking a year off of my life to deal with this, to put my gloves on and kick this things ass, I may as well have as much artillery in my arsenal as possible, so that way, I don't have any regrets.
none
zero
zilch!!!
In my gut, deep down, I know I will regret not speaking up for what I feel is right.  What I feel (deep down) needs to be done.
As much as I love my hair, and I love my happy bouncy busy busy self, I am more than willing to be sick and lose my hair and be a bit less bouncy.  I am cool... it's cool... :::deep breath:::
I am cool with it, because, darn it, I never Never NEVER want to think I didn't do everything I could to kill this.
I am a mama bear... and right now, I am also my cub, so Don't Fuck With Me, or I will tear off your face and feed you your own arms.  Someone has to do it, may as well be me.
Actually I have found that the ONLY one who can do this is me.
Weird it took a while for me to figure that out, huh?
But, it is.
Me, myself, and I are the only ones that can make sure I eat right, and I get enough sleep, and I do my reading, and I stay on top of things, and ask questions and write them down and absorb them.  Me. 
I would love if it could be some one else, but it can't be.

Ok, well enough from my rambling mind and fingers.

We have an Oncology date to meet the doctor.
January 25th at 1:00
My girl I work with, has switched hours with me that day, so I can go early and lose less time.
Life is good.
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy I have a date.
Baby steps~

In the beginning....

So, lets see...
In October, close to Halloween, I was laying on my side, on my couch and chatting on the phone, when I had to tuck my breast back into my bra, because I had lost some weight, and went from a DD to a C cup and they kept falling out.
While doing that, I noticed that I had a lump the size of a Cadburry Egg on the side.
I showed this to the NP at Breast clinic the next day, and asked her if I needed to take off time from work to see my Dr. to have her look at it.
She checked it and said "yup" make an appt.
I did, and she sent me for Diagnostic ultrasound and mammogram
They showed a mass...
Appt. after appt. for different things and re-do's showed that I had invasive cancer on the right side and incitu on the left (in 2 places)
Long story short.... Or short made long, I finally got a chance to see my cancer Surgeon, and she recommended a Bilateral Mastectomy with a Free Flap Reconstruction at the time of the cancer removal.

I now have to wait for the surgeons office to call me, with the next two appointments, one for the Plastic surgeon, and one for the Oncologist.

I have to find out if i am a candidate for the Free Flap reconstruction from the plastic surgeon, and if I am, I can have that done at the time of the main removal surgery.
The free flap is where they take the fat from my belly (sure, now that I lost weight, now they want my fat) and move it up to make me new boobs.  That would be the most realistic reconstruction, but sometimes that fails, and the blood vessels don't remain as vital as they were at their origin site.  So, if that doesn't work, they can put implants in, less realistic, but still do able.

But, if all goes well with the plastic surgeon, and they say I am healthy enough to undergo the very long surgery, then they will set up a date for me to have this done.
The surgery for the mastectomy is about 2 1/2 hours
the reconstruction is about 12 hours.
4-5 days in hospital
5-6 weeks off recovery
Yipes.
But, bottom line, it is what, after all this time of thinking about this and that, it is what I was hoping they would suggest.
I don't ever want to deal with this again, and I have a good 40 years left to live, so I don't want, a few years down the road, to be given a diagnosis that it is back, and think... WOW, had I just not gotten the lumpectomy, but instead gotten the full mastectomy, I would not have had to deal with this.  Now don't get me wrong, I know it can come back if it wants to, but this way, I can say to myself, wow, I did everything I could to keep this gone, and away, but it still came around again. I will feel much better with that, than to think I went the other route, and did not do everything I could to get ride of it, scorch the earth, salt the earth and re plant.
yea, that was ambereeze for Lets Do It!!! take um.

I may sound brave, and I may sound like all is right in my world, but to tell the truth, I am scared to death, and I am not happy with this whole thing.  Though, I am very happy everything was found early etc etc... As one of my best friend said... I was looking forward to that phone call that someone would say April Fool's.  Just kidding,. I did not get that phone call.
I will be just fine.
There is no other option, now is there??
so Fine I shall be.

I will post when I know about the new appts. and when the surgery will be done.

Thanks for following along.

Oh, yea, I almost forgot...
funny, it is the part I would like to forget.
the chemo and that doctor.
I have a tumor the size that is right on the borderline of "yes" and "no" for whether or not it needs chemo.
I figure I am going to take this time out of my life to fight this thing, so lets just do it.  I am not wanting to do this, but I would rather (once again) say I did everything EVERYTHING I could to make this go away and stay away, and I would not be happy, if in a bit of time something came back and I would have ot say, due to my vanity and my personal comfort, I chose to not push for the aggressive treatment.
I don't want that.
So when I meet with my oncologist, I will ask him if I can go the "better safe than sorry route"
At that point it is in his hands.

Alrighty..
till next time.
Remember.... the light at the end of the tunnel, just may be You~
Have a good one.