I Believe I am finally done!

Stick a fork in me......

If you know me, you know I am a pretty easy going person, I am a fence sitter and a nurturer...
That can sometimes be perceived as wishy washy or putting Your needs ahead of mine.
Nope...
That is not the case.
If I have a need, I will most assuredly voice it and pursue it.
If I have a want, I will let you know
If my want is not that big a deal, and I care a great deal about you, I will most likely put your want ahead of mine, if yours is stronger.  (because it is just a want with me, and it can be changed)
If I don't care one way or the other (and most likely that is the case) I will say, I don't care, and Mean It~

Lately, I have noticed many people think that I am simply being codependent or just spineless...
Nope Once Again.
Trust me.
If I have a preference, I will let you know.
Or, I thought, that if I had a preference, I would let you know.
I guess not.
So......
From now on, I am going to be more about me.
I have to be, if this cancer has begun to teach me anything, that is it.
I have spent a very long time, trying to make sure that the people around me are happy, and comfortable, which I did not think was such a bad thing, but lately, I have realized that it is not such a healthy thing and I have noticed that I am becoming something I don't like. So I am going to take the necessary steps to focus on me, nurture me, and if you are someone I care a great deal about, you will notice a change, and I Hope you understand.

I just said to someone I would try to hold some of myself back as to not be such a burden
To Hell with that!
I am pissed at myself.
what the hell???
What The HELL???

I am an amazing woman.
I have a contagious and bouncy energy
I, when I am not in a funk due to shit going on in my life, am a pretty darn happy go lucky, fun to be around kind of girl.
I want her back.
and I am taking her back by force.

Walking around trying to be sure I don't rock the boat, is going to stop.
If the boat rocks, then so be it.
If it capsizes, and sinks, oh well.
It is Better to be a strong and confident woman, on a sinking ship...
than a weak and spineless one (even if only perceived as so) on a ship that is sailing into foreign waters anyway.
So, Pass the fork.
I am done.

I wonder if I can breath past my heart the next time I meditate??? I will let ya know.

Support...Like a good bra

Last night was my 3rd just diagnosed breast cancer support group.
Though the leader is not my cup of tea, the group of women are just awesome.
So diverse, so helpful, so filled with information, that they are very happy to share.
I have decided that going to these is helpful, if only for the fact that there is a room full of women who are either a few steps ahead of me on this journey, or a few steps behind.
All sharing their personal experiences, in order to make the road a bit less bumpy for those that are following.
I like them.
I have two favorites, well make that 4.
One lady is an Ubar Christian, but she is just so warm and fuzzy and soft and almost ethereal in her energy. She, just is so softly positive.  I strive to have that kind of energy, that kind of warm shimmery softness.  It is not me, and I gave up trying to change into that long ago. (I have grown into my LUXOR bright light, and accepted it) But just seeing her makes me happy and feel comfortable.

Another lady is just super positive, no nonsense, I am going to kick this things ass, and I am getting close to being done kind of attitude.  She was the inspiration of the lady above, and I like her.

Another lady is dealing with this for the 3rd time... she is super warm, and very strong, though she is dealing with the cancer never leaving her mind, or her thoughts.  She can't seem to focus on anything else, but that is to be expected, given the fight she has had, 3 times.  I like her very much too.  She makes me "want" to talk to her.

The last lady is someone I would love to know outside of this, I really like her attitude, her kindness, her ability to look at the bright side, she just vibrates at that level that makes you want to know her.  It is hard to explain, but she is one of those people who I needed to meet.  I hope to become friends with her.

Anyway.... on to the reason I am writing.
They are all in different stages of Chemo, and were talking about all the things that chemo does.
I left rather deflated.
But I did realize that no matter where you are on this journey, you are always waiting for the next step.
waiting for the next dr. appt
waiting for the next treatment
waiting for the chemo induced menopause to end
waiting for the tamoxifen to begin and end
just waiting waiting..
Waiting for their life to get back to normal.
I think I will just accept this as part of the new life that is embracing me.
Patience... patience... patience....

So, some things I learned about being on chemo.
you can't drink green tea
you can't eat anti oxidant rich foods
you can't eat raw foods
you have to rinse with salt water every day, to avoid mouth sores.
you GET mouth sores
you get chemo induced menopause
you get bone pain, massive bone pain
you lose not just your hair, but your brows and eyelashes
(you can order Latise and that may May help keep your lashes)
your head gets cold, so you need a tea shirt hat to sleep in
you get Chemo Brain, where you don't remember anything.  Hey, wait, I already have that, I wonder if mine will suddenly be better??

Tamoxifen stuff....
When you take the Tamoxifen it makes you grow hair on your face, places you Don't want it to grow, like cheeks and under your eyes etc... Yipes
Hot flashes, night sweats, and they try to give you oodles of meds to take, to combat the symptoms, but those cause their own things. 
For Night sweats, taking a benidril at night helps, so you can fall back to sleep.
your sex drive takes a serious dive. (Oh No... Say it isn't so!!!!)

Hum, having a bit of a hard time remembering all the tips and tricks, but these things are good to know.

I was blown away by no fresh fruits or veggies. and No anti oxidents, but that is because the fresh stuff, may have some type of bacteria on it, and I could get really Really sick, if i ingest that stuff.  and No antioxidants, because they promote healthy cell growth, and on Chemo, you are trying to inhibit cell growth of Any kind

Alrighty...
So, I am off to go find something to do for lunch (maybe catch up on phone calls)
Y'all have a fantastic day.

Random thought for the rainy night

I believe that alone, sometimes feels more uncomfortable than one's first pair of shoes.

Lately that is something that echoes around me quite often.

I think dealing with cancer has made me realize that some things we deal with in life, we deal with alone.
Other times we are simply alone.
I just prefer not alone.
Haha, yup, that would be my preference...
And this alone thing is really pinching.

It's A Hattie Houswife Weekend...

If you are reading this,  you most likely know me, and thus, my lack of ... hum, lets say Stay-Home-Ability.
My mom calls it the "Go Go Gene" What ever it is, it is the itch that makes me want to be Out and About any time I can be.
If I have the day off...I want to be out doing things, going places, learning stuff, or just tripping around with friends.
So for me to take a weekend and say, "I am going to stay home and clean, put away, pre-cook, etc... "you know something must be brewing. (it's a long weekend too, so that makes it even worse)

The brewing is simply, my need to get shit done before surgery.  I have 3 weekends left, and the next two are taken up, so this is it.  This is D Day... (D for Disgusting house)
I can't believe how much I have let slide till now.  But, I will Will WILL get it done. 
Ohhh how I hate to stay home, and how flighty I am. This is going to be hard. 
Plus, I really don't get off on cleaning.  Though I do like a nice tidy place.  (where are my slaves?? where did I put them....?)

So, this weekend, I will put my shoulder to the wheel and do it.
It is getting close, and as much as I would love to just keep putting my head in the sand, or running running running, I can't, I actually have to face this monster, and get it done. I can't come home from the hospital, and not be prepared. 
Crap.
I sooooooooooooo don't want to.!!!

Wish me luck.

Laundry
vacuuming
mopping
sweeping
putting laundry away
putting un-necessary stuff  in the garage
going through mail
paying bills
reorganizing the closet, the cupboard, the linen closet etc...
pre cooking
scrubbing the bathroom and kitchen
everything...
Gads~~
Being a grown up sucks sometimes.

But on an upside.
My daughters husband is MAKING her come visit me on Monday.
Mawahahahhahaa... (evil maniacal laughter)
I at least get a present at the end of this, I get my hollydollyday and my tina bopps. 
That will make this worth it.
Weeeeeeeeeeee

ya all have a great weekend.
(notice how I am not talking about how scared I am right now? or the shit in my head that is poking at me?? that is because I am burring it, and will talk about it another time. but for now, please know the evil awful monster of fear is poking me with it's very sharp and venomous claw and I am focusing on cleaning, cause if I can't fight fear right now, I can fight dust mites... right? right? Right!!)

Just because I love this artist... Ok Two artists.

(Giuseppe Dangelico) Pino

I love his work with color, his shadow, his light... Just everything he does.

They catch my eye, and make me want to look at them.

I have a photo of a picture he did on an art cruise (it was for sale)

The most amazing picture, every time I walked by it, I would stop and just stare.

I wish I had tons of money, I would have bought it on the spot.

But alas, I do not.

Alphonse Maria Mucha

I love him too... I love Art Deco style, and Have loved his work for ever.

I have his 4 Seasons above my bed.

Him, I could afford in poster form, and had him matted and framed.

Yup.

Love his stuff too.

This Art moment has been brought to you today by Lizzy, cause she started it.



Button Button, Who's Got The Button....

Since November, when I got my diagnosis, I have been making decisions left and right.

Reading this... Reading that... Talking to people, listening to people, looking at pictures, doing research on surgeons etc etc etc... Every decision I have made, has been due to the cancer.  Big Life Affecting decisions.

I have been kicking around the idea of cutting my hair into a bob (not a short 1920s one, but a jawline one)

Since Elvis has truly left the building, the reason I was keeping my hair longer, left it too, so there was no reason to keep the length, except that I really love long hair, and wanted it to get long again.  But I felt I needed a change.

Now, don't get me wrong, being a hair dresser, and coming from a family of hair dresses, I KNOW that women get their hair cut when they want to change their lives.  They want to lose 40 lbs, they want their husband to love them again, they want their kids to be well behaved etc, etc etc... all things that a hair cut will just not change.  But, as chicks, (most of us) we will change our hair when we want deeper things to change.

When I asked my mom to cut my hair, she reminded me that cutting my hair will not make my cancer go away.  She said, I shouldn't do it.  So, I sat on this, and thought about it for another week.

Was I doing this to change my cancer diagnosis?

Was I doing this to punish myself for something?

Was I doing this cut ties with my old life?

or was I doing this because I wanted simply to change my hair style? To feel cute? to make a change, just for the fun of making a change, with something within MY Control???

I decided it was to make a change, to cut my hair because I wanted to, not because I had to. 

To enjoy the feeling of abandon, freedom, empowerment.

So, I have a short sassy hair cut.

I am a happy girl.

and the best part of it all, I feel like a normal, healthy girl, doing something simply just because.

I love it!

It doesn't hurt that I am cute as a button with the sassy cut.

But honestly, even if I wasn't, I would still be oh so very happy.

Happy Valentines Day.

<3

PS

I am wearing a little red dress, that I bought last year to wear for valentines day, but I was a little bit too chubby to look cute in it.  So I saved it to wear for this year. 

Well, winds blow, things change, and this year, I was looking at it and thought, damn.... it was going to be so cute too.  I decided to wear it anyway.  For Me.  I feel cute, and I love the dress because it fits so nicely now. 

So, I am my own valentine, (first year since I was 16, that I don't have an official Valentine) and I have the love of so many people and I love them all so much, that who needs just one.

Right?

Right~!

Fake it till you make it, has become my new mantra~

It works.

Now I am off, y'all have a great V-Day~

The first cut is the deepest....

Pantene Beautiful Lengths Cause link

While I was looking around at the TLC store by the American Cancer Society, I came across the wigs, and then I started thinking... wow, they don't make human hair wigs anymore?? So I cruised on out to the web, and looked up Human Hair Wigs, and when I did, I came across this... Pantene Beautiful Lengths Cause.  It is where you donate hair for cancer patients.
I have always heard about the one for children, but never thought there was one for grown ups.
So, because I thought it was cool, and another option for people who want to donate their hair, I thought I would share this link.

Now, don't go thinking I want you to run out and cut your hair and donate it, because that is soooo not what this post is about, it is just simply, a tiny little bit of information, should someone out there, want to do something like this.
Come on.. If you know me, you KNOW how much I love long hair on a person.  I don't advocate cutting it ever ((starts singing the song from Hair... Long beautiful hair, shining gleaming waxen flaxen .....))
But, if you are so inclined to change it up, and change your style, then by all means, maybe this is something for you.

Ok, back to work for me.
y'all have a great day!

A dry sponge in a very Very wet room...

Well hello there.
I bet you are wondering how last night went..
Well, have a seat, I will try to make this short.

I went in, smiled at the 5 or so ladies, then took a seat on the couch (it is shaped like a very large U, so I sat at the bottom left of the letter, and waited for everyone else to show up.

For those of you that don't know, I am a very Very strong Empath.  If you are hurting, or angry and I hug you, you will feel so so so much better, and I will have absorbed it all from you.  It is not something I have control over, it just happens.  Now, if you are REALLY hurting and REALLY angry, all I have to do is be near you, or in the same room, and I will absorb the energy and take it with me, then when I get away from the situation, I find that I am now Angry, or Hurting, or what ever it was. These emotions are not My emotions, they are the other peoples, and I have absorbed them like a dry sponge in a wet sink.   It took me many many years to figure this out, and even though now I know about this, it still doesn't help in the dealing with it.  I really need to learn how to shield myself so I don't pick everything up.  (any advice would be greatly appreciated)

So, back to my hopefully short story.
I can feel heat and heavy energy to my right, of the lady already there, it is just shimmering like the heat off of the blackest asphalt on a 110 degree day.  WOW... something was going on, and she was just radiating with it.  I didn't sit too close to her.  To my left, is a more comfortable blue energy, with spots of fog, but that usually means calm with issues that are being hid.  Normally.  So because that was a much better option, I sat closer to that woman.  
There was still room on both sides of me available and then a very ethereal soft white/pink lady came in, she was about 6 feet tall, about 25 years old, and she felt like a cloud.  I was glad she sat down between the radiator and myself.
After her a few others came in, then this ball of energy came in, it was bright and it was uncomfortably reaching (like hands in a prison that reach out as you walk by) she sat down between the calm on my left and myself.  Oh well, at least I had the cloud on my right.

We went around and everyone introduced themselves and briefly explained what their cancer was and what stage of rebuild or not they were in, and what treatment they are going through or just finishing up.
It was then my turn, and I think I kept it short and to the point. 
The cloud next to me softly interjected some great advice about the Braca testing and my children
Then the Ball of energy started in about everything.... wow the feeling of desperation and need just began... I found myself scooting away unconsciously.
Then as she slowed down, the radiator on the other side, began her vent.   Oh My, the anger that just blew out of her nearly slapped me. 
I thought, through this all, I was not being affected, I thought I was in the clear....
Um, No~ 

At the end of the night, we all said good night, and I left, I was feeling desperate, and angry and hopeless...
I pushed those down thinking I was being silly...
Yes, the ladies did talk about horrible stuff, things I did not want to hear about, or the reality of them... But it should not have affected me this much.  I have been dealing with this information for months now, I have pretty much swallowed that particular pill.   This was new and it took me stopping by my moms, to tell her how the meeting went, till it hit me.  These were not my emotions at all, I had absorbed all the others in the room, till I was a max capacity.  I figured this out because as I am talking to my mom, I am just itchy with agitation, and i am pissed the hell off.  I can't focus on what she is saying, because I just want to say Shut Up! shut up, shut up..  WOW... that was sooo not me. 
That was the radiator on my rights's emotions.
I also felt desperate and hopeless... again, not mine.  That was the Reacher on the left of me.
Hum...
So the feeling when I walked out of there, wondering why the hell I went to this, it made NOTHING better, nothing at all, if not it made things worse.  I understood. It was other peoples stuff, and my mind trying to wrap around the experience.

So, I will go again next week, and by that time, I hope to have found a coping mechanism for the sponge syndrome.  I really would like to get something out of this and give something back too, if possible.  But if I leave again next week, feeling like I did last night, I can't say I will keep this up.

On the up side.  One of the ladies had a bilateral mastectomy with invasive on one side and in-sigh-too on the other, and they only did a sentinel node biopsy on the one side with invasive, and when the pathology report came back, the in-sigh-too side had invasive as well, that they were not aware of.  Making it impossible to check those lymph nodes, because they took the nipple, the ducts, and everything that lead up to them... so they are just leaving them because the only other option would be to remove them all (not a good thing)
So. I contacted my surgeon, to make sure that even though I only have invasive on one side, we will be doing the biopsy on both sides, to be sure that same scenario will not happen with me.
She assured me that it was already taken care of, and that it will be done.
I could breath a sigh of relief.
I love my surgeon.

Today is a new day, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, I got a good nights sleep for the last two nights in a row, I have lunch with my son in a few moments, and dinner with my dad and rosie tonight.  Life, she is good. (she is busy, but...) Life she is Very Very Good!!!

I am Jacks cold sweat...

Well, yesterday I went to the welcome meeting at the wellness center (a very cool place, I must say)
so tonight I am allowed to go to my first Support meeting. I am actually looking forward to it, but also a bit apprehensive.  I may seem like a big old extrovert and in some ways I am, but honestly, I am a bit shy, and feel very very uncomfortable in new situations, and tend to be Big and Bold when it is easier than seeming timid and withdrawn. 
So, I am kind of not looking forward to being the new "hello my name is Amber and I have breast cancer" girl in the group... (hello Amber) Because I really never know when enough talking is really enough. Those of you who know me, know this is true, especially when I am in an unfamiliar surrounding, or with new people.  I get more nervous and talk even more, and even faster.  I have to remember to gauge my audience, and notice when their eyes glaze over, or begin to fidget.

But, Yayyyyyyyyyyyy.... I get to go to a meeting of like minded people, with a similarr situation, and I can take my mask off for a while, and be me.  The scared, not strong, not amazing, not super positive girl that I am when I am alone, and not having to wear the mask for friends and family. 
I may even be able to say I am worried, and not have anyone say, It is going to be ok......
I know this sounds awful, but it is the one thing that keeps poking me, is the "it's going to be ok" phrase (that and I have to stay positive)
Both of these things I know deep down are correct.
I will be ok, (what level of ok is still waiting to be seen)
I have a positive attitude (most of the time, because, well that is me)
But...... I don't KNOW I will be ok.  something stupid may happen and I may not be.  Stupid stuff happens all the time and because I Don't Know I will be ok for sure, I have not gotten the letter from the universe/god/etc... saying, "amber, you are going to be just fine, and just like you were before, happy healthy and full of vibrant life" I still am worried.
18 hours on a table is along assed time.
flesh moved from place to place is worrisome
air born bacteria is everywhere
etc etc etc.....
So, because I am who I am, I worry.
I am looking forward to being somewhere tonight, where I can say that, and mean it, and then bounce back from that possibility and go back to Everything is going to be ok land.

I will let y'all know how it goes tomorrow. 
I may even try out their Relaxation and Visualization class before hand, because I have enough time.

I think I can use that most of all.

have a super night

Sally days and Sally nights...

Well, it has been a while since I have written.
I have been dealing with inside stuff.
Also thinking, that I don't need to write every little thing down here.
But, bottom line...
I think I do.
It seems to help me compartmentalize things.
Seems to be that is a way of coping.
So, mine is not to reason why, mine is just to do or die. (oh, maybe not the best one to put here)

Lets see... stuff going on since last we visited.

Heart Stitched up Sally stuff: I am dealing with stupid relationship stuff.  Stuff that is still sticking.  Much has been let go of, but there are the multi-levels that are deeper and more sticky, and I am still trying to deal with those ,and put them in their places.  And, trying not to just toss them in mason jars and stick them in the basement.  So... while trying to figure out this and that, I came to the realization that maybe, the reason this relationship crap is eclipsing the cancer crap is because.... well because maybe it is easier to focus on this, than on the reality of the other.
Hum...
Maybe, but I will deal with that and the depth that requires later (I will let you know how that turns out)
but it makes sense, that my mind and my heart are wrapped up in somethings that are a little more within my control.
Sigh... Yea, well at least that came to me, right or wrong, it helps a little. 
Oh, and on that note, I fell asleep to Legends of The Fall the other night and as I was drifting off, this quote from the movie was being said: 
One Stab: She was like the water that freezes inside a rock and breaks it apart. ...It was no more her fault than it is the fault of the water when the rock shatters” (Legends of the Fall).
Yea... what a doozy to fall asleep to, huh?

Then, lets see
 Body stitched up Sally Stuff: My friend at work who showed me her scar, knows the head of Plastics here, as he did her surgery (he has his own practice outside of the hospital) She talked to him, and asked him if he would be ok talking to me about the procedure, and on Friday, he took 20 mins out of his day and explained things to me (in Analogy's no less) so I could grasp the ideas, and the reality of many of the things that were worrying me. I feel much better about my choice, and even canceled my PS appt. for tomorrow, because there really isn't anything I need to ask about, before my Pre Op appt..
Where does the body stitched up sally stuff part come from?? well he was doing a recheck on one of his patients that had what I am having done, and she said it was ok for me to come into the room and see how she had healed.
I went in, and she opened up her gown, and I smiled my most impressed smile, and looked like I was ever so pleased with how this looks half way through. (she has the fine tuning surgery still to do, in a few months where they make the nipples, tattoo the aureole and fix the dog ears on the hips) and thanked both the doctor and the patient profusely, bowing out of the room, leaving them to finish up.
WOW!!!  It took everything I had to do that.  I wanted to turn and run, or scream or both.... It doesn't look as bad as I had thought, but it hits places in my psyche that makes me get all wiggly inside.  Very uncomfortable in my skin, and then to know that is what I am going to look like for months.... EEEeeeak. Sally Torso, yuck.
But... On the flip side, I will have boobs, I won't be looking down after surgery and seeing a flat scared up chest.
That is a plus, and a reason to shut the hell up!!!
So with that said... on to the next.

Mind stitched up Sally Stuff: I went to do the Support group last week, but when I called for exact directions they told me that I could not go, because I had not gone to the orientation yet.  Which is on a Monday night, and Monday night I always have plans.  It is my MNS (Monday night sewing with the girls) But If I don't go to this, I can't go to anything else at the center.  So tonight, I will go and do the orientation, and get set up so I can go to the other things they offer, and also the support group.
I feel I need to go at this point. Not so much want, but Need....
I am at a point, where being around the other ladies, that are going through the same emotions and issues that I am (or similar) may be beneficial.  I hope my mind is able to get some relief.

Emotional Stitched up Sally stuff: Dealing with people being so kind, and offering to pray for me, or make ribbons for me, or run for me, or do many and numerous things for me, makes me cry.  Not in a bad way, but in a touched deeply kind of way, where you feel humbled to know that people care about you in such a way.
It has also made me "Super Emotional Girl!!! "(flys in, and stands with her hands on her hips, her head tossed back, wind in her hair... you know, super hero pose #2) I cry at the drop of a hat, about the most mundane and simple things, but darn it, they are touching, and I well up.  it is like I am getting ready to start my period every single day... yup, super emotional girl am I.

So, I am feeling very Sally lately.  All sewen up, and when I am falling apart, I just get out my needle and thread and sew it back together.

So much more, but this is wayyyy long enough as it is.

Y'all have a great day

Bad Day...

Monday was just a bad day....
It could have been my mind set, it could have been the few things that messed with my happy place, or it just could be, your average Monday,and that is also just how things go.
But yesterday sucked!

I came into work, and found that the Internet access I used to have, had been blocked, which sucks for many reasons.
Then one of my favorite Nurse Practitioners called me and said "are you sure you want to go through with the surgery you chose?? are you sure you want such bad scaring at such a hot sexy time of your life?"
That of course spun me into a fog of... Wait, wait wait... did i make the right decision? am I doing this wrong? Do I want oodles of scars?  Gack!!!

So, I called my plastic surgeon and made an appointment for next Tuesdays, to go over my chart, and my decision and make sure I am making a good choice.
This time with my clothes on, and a bit less nervous.  (just a bit)

Oh and also, the friend I made at my window, who had her mastectomy, and has had her post operative meeting with her surgeon already (she is a few steps ahead of me) had her first Chemo treatment today, so for lunch, I walked over to the hospital to bring her some magazines and see how she was doing.  It was great to see her, because she is always Always in such high spirits... I want to be like her.  But I think that going over to see her doing this, kind of internally spun me even harder. But I was really glad to be there for her, even in this tiny way.

Shoot, I almost forgot, I had to fill out my 5 wishes paperwork, on how I want things to go, should things at the hospital go badly.... and that really just kind of put the lid on the pot.  I was at full boil, and in the very worst of moods.

Though I must say, that the evening of girls (and Eric) and dinner and great conversation really really helped pull me up and out (well almost out)

There is so much more, but I have to be into work early today, and I am trying so very hard to not be late anymore (my worst Worst downfall... ok, one of my worst)

I have decided to finally go to the Newly Diagnosed support group tonight. 
I think that is a great decision and one that has needed to happen since I was first diagnosed back in November, but with the holidays and all going on, it has taken this long to get my self over there.
Wish me luck.

Shoot.. damn, Gotta Run.
Have a super day.
I am off to work the window for Breast Cancer Clinic.....
I am hoping for a better day.
It already is, lets hope it stays that way.

Have a good one!